Today was a tough day.

I woke up fine and read for a little while, then laid there listening to the sounds outside. Doors slamming, heels clicking, people going to work. I got up and went to my desk to stare out the window and pay some bills. I don’t know. Suddenly it just hit me: I miss working.

For all the times I’ve bitched about being stressed out, at least it was my stress and I had the option to take it or leave it. I don’t have that choice anymore, it’s been made for me. I’ve never been a person who had to rely on anyone for anything. My parents raised us to fend for ourselves. We didn’t get furnished apartments, home loans and paid educations. We paid for all those things on our own so we would understand how to take care of ourselves and develop a strong work ethic. As tough as it was, as I got older and made my way, I came to really appreciate the ability to be self-sufficient.

What I wouldn’t give to be able to get up and go to work. (Maybe I do have brain damage?) I’m not too good for a job, even one that means wearing a suit I’m allergic to. Yeah, I’ve been fortunate to build a business that was primarily from home, but it wasn’t always that way. For as long as I can remember I’ve enjoyed being productive, learning from sharp minds, and contributing to wherever I was employed – even on the days it worked my last nerve. There’s a deep level of satisfaction on Friday at close of business. That’s what TGIF is for!

This morning I cried, really sobbed, thinking about everyone going to work. Even if they hate their jobs they still have the ability to choose another. Right now I can’t do anything and I’m not sure what I’ll be able to do in the future. That really scares me; not just from a financial aspect, but from an independence one as well.

I hate the thought of having to rely on anyone. I hate how limiting that feels. I want to be able to take care of myself, or at least have a hand in what that entails.

This blows.

If you’re out there hating your job, think of me. Then go find another one and kick some ass at it.