Being hit with a debilitating illness is humbling; it’s humbling and isolating and eye opening.

Things that once seemed so important – like what’s jammed in your closet – suddenly have no value, while other things you never gave a second thought to – like being able to wear thin soled $1.99 flip flops – are on your most missed list. It’s nothing shy of completely bizarre to have conversations with people comparing their common colds and relationship issues to your legitimate plight to stay alive and thrive. At some point you feel like you’re in the looney bin. Hello, I can’t wear an effin’ flip flop! I can barely make breakfast or stay awake more than a few hours at a time. And what about THE BILLS. See what I mean??

As someone who is always looking for the deeper meaning, I find myself afraid to ask. Why did this happen to me? Why is it happening again? What am I missing? Did I do something terribly wrong to deserve this? Yet I continue to ask myself all these questions and more, maybe the scariest being what if there is no reason? What if there is absolutely no purpose whatsoever behind any of this? THEN WHAT?

As a spiritual person I hope for growth. Even if I don’t see it now, I know from experience that living through difficult situations cultivates a depth of character that smooth sailing just can’t. I might not like the process, but I do like being armed with the result it produces in me. That’s a frightening thing to admit when your health is tenuous. I mean, what could be coming next? Let’s hope nothing because there’s an apple pastry I’d like to make this week and my arm is a limp noodle. Seriously though, even though I am serious about the pastry, it’s scary to say that out loud. I was so happy with my almost two year progress less than a month ago, and then look what happened.

I’d love to be able to come on here and say, omg false alarm I’m cured!, but that’s not happening. I’m still exhausted, weak and need a lot of rest. My brain seems less scrambled than last time, but I did call a croissant a crouton the other day so there’s that to consider. Make no mistake though, I’m happy to be alive.