Well, it’s officially a new year. All I’ve done so far is ride my bike, earth, and look for cats; all goals met and exceeded. This morning I polished off my last pastry until I cave in two days and eat another.
That thought chased me throughout the holiday season. It’s all fun, games and Claymation until everyone goes back to work, but I don’t have a work to go back to. Hmmmmm. It finally caught me a couple mornings ago at the beach when Chris and I were standing in the ocean debating the finer points of earthing (which we’re definitely not experts at so it was actually ridiculous).
-Do you think this has a greater effect on the body if you concentrate on the earth while you do it?
-Do you feel any different? NO SERIOUSLY, do you??
-I think my legs are vibrating.
-I wonder if it’s more effective to earth up north where the coastline is untouched? (hint, hint)
-WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE?
I squashed that last one down deep and didn’t say it out loud. I’m at the beach, it’s 75 freaking degrees in January and I still can’t stop feeling uneasy about having no direction. What is wrong with this picture??
The one thing I’ve battled my entire life is the fear of not enough. Not having enough, working enough, being enough. It’s painful to admit. When I look back, I can honestly say it’s plagued me. It’s a part of the reason why I’m a workaholic. It’s dictated a lot of the moves I’ve made professionally, even when those moves were staying in a place longer than I should have. Interestingly, the times I took a major leap based on gut instinct or was put in a position where the decision was made for me resulted in some of the most fulfilling experiences.
I want to learn to live more freely and bravely; not from external pressure, real or imagined, but from my own authentic self at its core. That’s scary to say out loud. What if I have to live with less than I’m accustomed to? Then again, what if I don’t?
Fear-based living has just got to go. *fastens Depends*
If the only way to overcome fear is to go into the dark places and face it head-on, then I’ve been here before and glossed over it, only to have it resurface and grab me by the ankles. So this time I’m choosing to look at uncertainty as the door to opportunity, instead of some sort of punishment. Until whatever it is I’m supposed to do becomes clear, I think I’m going to start baking a couple times a week at Chris’s restaurant. He wants the desserts to be better and baking is therapeutic for me, so it’s a win-win. Until he tries to boss me – then we’re on to a whole new set of issues.
Here’s to whooping some ass in 2015. Digging deep, doing the hard work and coming out a better person for it. Freedom from the performance trap, arrive-fucking-derci.