If you want to depress yourself, try on a bathing suit.

If you really want to depress yourself, try on a bathing suit after 40.

For as long as I can remember, as soon as spring hit I went into summer bikini mode. Lunging around the house, avoiding carbs, making friends with workout videos – all those things got put on the high priority list. Last week in the midst of my meltdown, I managed to get inside myself and get quiet. What’s going on with me? Why does everything feel like it’s spinning out of control? (because it is) Why can’t I get centered?

It’s no secret that my life is currently brimming with a lot of uncertainty. Answers don’t appear to be on the horizon. I’m nervous.

I feel like my senses are always on overload.

It’s exhausting.

After that meditative moment, I felt like I got my grip back a little. I disconnected from social media, focused on organizing things around the house and worked at the restaurant. I put my priorities back in check. It helped.

The other day one of my friends was talking about the ongoing conflict between a bag of cookies and the need to look great in a bikini. At one point I said, ‘You know, I’m so tired of giving an eff about this stuff. I just don’t care anymore.’ I mean really, who’s it all for? I’m not saying go off the rails or be unhealthy and gain a mil, but the race for uber thin is, at its heart, more about how you want other people to see you and less about who you are inside as a person. Although I guess it does kind of reveal where your head’s at.

So anyway, I’ve decided to make this the summer of idgaf because, really, I don’t. The meaningless things I’ve noticed myself caring about again recently – a glitch of cellulite, depriving myself of a margarita, wondering if I should buy some stuff I probably don’t need (because I already bought some other stuff I didn’t need) to spruce up my summer wardrobe – I don’t want to get caught up in those. They’re just distractions, temporary band-aids. I managed to drop a lot of superficial worries after my stroke and I don’t want to pick them back up.

In the spirit of not wasting any time on this, yesterday I got out the summer cushions and blankets for the deck, swept, and started washing everything. Today I ordered a couple of books, began plotting my reading list and unpacked the warm weather clothes. Things are looking up. Provided the bottom doesn’t fall out, I hope to take a couple simple trips this summer. Easy ones to recharge my spirit. I think I’ll ride my bike, hit the beach and earth as often as I can. Take in a  few late night movies, not worry about what time it is, finally have a bonfire. I’m hoping to reconnect with some of my faraway friends, maybe have a sleepover and relive fun memories. Nothing groundbreaking, just enjoy the summer for what it is.

I’m not going to count calories.

I’m not going to lunge around.

I’m not going to deprive myself of chips and salsa (unless I get hives).

I’m going to have that margarita or glass of sweet tea.

I’m making peace with myself.

IDGAF.

You only live once.