I haven’t been writing here too often because I’ve been trying to get some things figured out.

Specifically, faith.

Faith is a tough thing for me. My problem is not with God, my problem is with the distance I feel from God. Like, am I doing this wrong?

When I first became a Christian I never thought I’d be in this position, but a few churches and a bad relationship left me feeling like the survivor of a bomb blast: shaken, bewildered and alone. God, are you there? I knew He was because things miraculously came together and I was able to take a year off, something I needed very badly.

After that year I got back to work, solidified my business and kept going, but after awhile noticed I felt jittery in church, exhausted even. I realized I was working very hard to ‘follow the rules’. It scared me to think of what God might do to me, if I stopped going. I stopped anyway. A year later I stopped attending a Bible study I’d been a part of for more than a decade when it donned on me that I was dragging myself there every Monday night. My faith had stopped coming from my heart because my heart wasn’t working anymore. I was burned out.

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A month ago a friend texted to say she was quitting her job to go to Bible college eight hours away. I was stunned. But she doesn’t even go to church, I thought. We went for dinner and she told me she was leaving it all behind: a thriving hair business, cool apartment, friends and family. I found myself excited for her, envious even. All she took was two suitcases of clothing. She had no set plan, other than knowing this was something God wanted her to do so it would all work out.

We talked about how she’d come to her decision and I felt, for the first time in years, like a little spark was lit in me. She talked about real things, real conversations with God, real trust, no rules, no hypocrisy, just pure faith. We cried a little at the table, I cried a lot on the way home. Man if only I could get some of that back in my life, I thought. Nothing is worse than feeling defeated, like God has left you in the dust.

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Since that dinner I’ve been having simple, pointed conversations with God every day:

God, please help me to see you working in my life. Please give me direction. Reminder God (even though I know you don’t need it), I’ve had two strokes in three years. I have not worked in over a year and need money. Yes I know money is the root of all evil or something, but I have bills. I need to feel productive. Everyday is Groundhog Day over here, so please open the right doors. Help me to see the value in things I may otherwise overlook. Please help me to find the good in each day and not waste the time you’ve given me. God, please help me to know you are near and that you haven’t forgotten me. Please don’t kill me for asking that because at church they would say it means I have a lack of faith, but I need extra help right now. The last three years have been hell. God, thank you for helping me to be grateful for the things I do have.

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One day I was looking something up on Google and came across a Youtube video. Normally I would gloss right by, but decided to listen. It ended up being a really good decision and spoke to a lot of the things I’ve been going through, thinking and saying out loud. It was definitely a moment for me.

I don’t normally talk about things like this on here, but if you’re in a tough spot or crisis of faith sometimes it helps to know other people are experiencing the same. I’ll write more about the cool things that have happened since I’ve started my daily question/answer period, but here’s the video for now. Put in your earphones and blast this sucker. I swear it helps. God has not forgotten you.