Last week I wasted spent 8 hours of my life playing musical chairs at the salon. Here is some of what I overheard/saw when I wasn’t a. watching my phone die or b. falling asleep with my head in the bowl.

For anyone wondering what it’s like to be not famous living in LA.


Model: I'm ordering sushi.
Stylist: Ooooh that sounds good.
Model: You can have it. I'm only eating a piece, they just required a minimum order.


Stylist <to girl in chair next to me>: How are you?
Girl: Good! I just sold my pilot.
Me <to myself>: Oh fck shoot me.
Stylist: You DID? <hint of disbelief>
Girl: Yeah. I signed with an agent last week and everything. I guess they talked to a
      producer who's already interested.
Me <to her>: Congratulations. Seriously, that's a big deal. Way to go.
Her: Thank you! I'm going to start paying all the rent now and give my sister a break
     until she makes it seeing as it looks like I'm going to be making a lot more 
     money now.
Stylist <abandons my head>: So how about some highlights? I know you're only scheduled 
                            for a cut but....
Girl: Nah, I think I'm good.
Stylist: Carrie we're just going to -
Me: Put me over at the bowl?
Stylist <grins>: Put you over at the bowl. <aka coerce this woman into highlights>


Instagram star at bowl: How does it look?
Colorist: Yep, it looks like the inside of a banana.
Instastar: My grandpa used to say I was like a banana. Yellow on the outside, 
           white on the inside.

*Four hours into pulling my own hair out the appointment woman walks in off the street 
carrying stray extensions in her bare hands, sits down across from me and drops them 
on the counter.*

Stylist: Hey! Do you have an appointment?
Woman: The studio sent me over. They said you were the best.
Stylist: Soooo you have an appointment?
Woman: Wellll *mumble mumble ALEXA CHUNG mumble mumble the STUDIO 
        mumble mumble NEXT MODELING*
Me <to myself>: oh FFS <eyeroll>
Stylist: So what did you have in mind for today?
Me: huh? <eyeball emoji>
Woman: so I brought these extensions in...
Stylist: Yeah okay, I guess we can fit that in.
Me <under my breath> : Da fuq did he just say??
Colorist: Carrie I think we're going to give your gloss another once over. 
          Come back to the bowl.
Me: Is there one I can smoke?

 

One client to another: I don't know if you know this, but in Mexico cats and dogs 
absorb the ailments of their owners so no one gets sick. You might want to look 
into that as an alternative. I'm not sure if you have to go to Mexico or not for it 
to work. You might also need to bring your own pet.