I got summoned for jury duty.
Despite not having any experience in jury duty, here is how I envision it going:
8:05am: What do you mean I was supposed to be here at 7:30?
8:06: is it over yet?
8:07: is it over yet?
8:08: is it over yet?
8:15: Surely to God it’s got to be close to noon.
8:30: did someone steal my bag?
8:31: where’s the bathroom?
8:35: do we get a 15 minute break?
8:36: please crazy person sitting next to me, please don’t talk to me.
8:37: no I don’t have any pickles.
8:38: put in earphones and watch Netflix.
Noon: I wonder if anyone would notice if I didn’t come back from lunch?
1:00pm: How many more minutes?
1:01: compose a poem on the meaning of life.
1:15: life has no meaning.
1:16: why is this happening to me?
1:17: why do all the bad things happen to me?
1:18: dig for a chocolate bar in my bag.
1:22: stare into space wondering what Frankie’s doing.
3:00: get up to stretch my legs.
3:15: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY CALLED MY NAME WHILE I WAS OUTSIDE STRETCHING MY LEGS?
3:30: run to the bathroom and tease my hair like Nancy Grace.
4:14: emerge from battery of questions including but not limited to: who was the lead detective on True Detective? have you ever dissected a worm? who is the president of the united states? do you carry a medical marijuana card? without looking, list the colors on my socks. what are your thoughts on the death penalty?
4:20: What do you mean I’ve been named the foreman?
4:25: Your Honor, I call for a mistrial!
5:00pm: Enter sequestration.
DO THEY ALLOW CATS IN SEQUESTRATION?