Doing time

March 24, 2015

I got summoned for jury duty.

Despite not having any experience in jury duty, here is how I envision it going:

8:05am: What do you mean I was supposed to be here at 7:30?
8:06: is it over yet?
8:07: is it over yet?
8:08: is it over yet?
8:15: Surely to God it’s got to be close to noon.

Brief nap

8:30: did someone steal my bag?
8:31: where’s the bathroom?
8:35: do we get a 15 minute break?
8:36: please crazy person sitting next to me, please don’t talk to me.
8:37: no I don’t have any pickles.
8:38: put in earphones and watch Netflix.

Noon: I wonder if anyone would notice if I didn’t come back from lunch?

1:00pm: How many more minutes?
1:01: compose a poem on the meaning of life.
1:15: life has no meaning.
1:16: why is this happening to me?
1:17: why do all the bad things happen to me?
1:18: dig for a chocolate bar in my bag.
1:22: stare into space wondering what Frankie’s doing.

3:00: get up to stretch my legs.
3:30: run to the bathroom and tease my hair like Nancy Grace.
4:14: emerge from battery of questions including but not limited to: who was the lead detective on True Detective? have you ever dissected a worm? who is the president of the united states? do you carry a medical marijuana card? without looking, list the colors on my socks. what are your thoughts on the death penalty?
4:20: What do you mean I’ve been named the foreman?
4:25: Your Honor, I call for a mistrial!
5:00pm: Enter sequestration.


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  • Reply Jen March 26, 2015 at 2:20 am

    All I can picture is the jury duty episode from 30rock…classic! But seriously, I got called constantly over a 10-yr span for local and federal jury duty yet was never picked once…but last year my husband was called for the first time ever and was put on a jury. Aside from the stress of an un-planned week away from work, he was really appreciative of the experience and the insight into our judicial system.

    • Reply This Free Bird April 10, 2015 at 7:34 pm

      I think I would be too…if they’d stop bouncing me to alternate dates without any notice. Not making me appreciate their lack of respect for the average person’s schedule.

  • Reply Ashleigh March 24, 2015 at 3:26 pm

    I felt the exact way on my first (and only) summons, especially considering it was -10 that January morning. However, once we got there I was surprisingly so into it! I felt all official and was actually really bummed when the trial got rescheduled. That said, it wasn’t the usual boring fender bender/traffic situation, it was pretty attention grabbing, kind of a cops and robbers tale. Who knows, maybe you’ll be intrigued. Even though they said no electronics, everybody brought theirs and it wasn’t a problem. Bring a mag or your kindle, for sure!

  • Reply Courtney March 24, 2015 at 11:52 am

    Hmmm, who was the lead detective on True Detective? Also, you should follow up and follow up hard on that whole cats in jury sequestration thing.

    Hang in there!

    Courtney ~ Sartorial Sidelines

    • Reply This Free Bird March 24, 2015 at 7:24 pm

      Woody Harrelson! Even though Matthew McConaughey did all the work. Also, no cats, no dice.

  • Reply Katie March 24, 2015 at 4:29 am

    “Your honor, my time would be better spent in New Orleans right now. I feel I could perform my civic duties better from there.”

    Worth a shot?

    • Reply This Free Bird March 24, 2015 at 5:10 am

      I will be sure to ask for a change of venue if the above does not work. Thank you for your insight. Are you eating beignets right now???

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