I made scones and my neighbor’s a flasher

May 29, 2015

Thought I’d drop by and let everyone know I’m still alive.

Check this comment that was in the site’s spam folder:

Hello admin, i see your page needs fresh articles. Daily updates will rank your blog in google
higher, content is king nowadays. If you are to lazy to write unique articles everyday you should search in google for: (some bs articles that will upload on their own?)

They sure called me out. But it’s too lazy if you want to get particular. #suckit

I wish I could tell you I did all sorts of VERY EXCITING THINGS over the long weekend and that’s what kept me away. Nope. Unless you count baking the best freaking mixed berry scones you ever did taste in your life. That was pretty exciting. Aside from that I planned to paint the living room, didn’t paint the living room, ate corn chips for the first time in 43 days and broke out in hives, ate some more just to make sure it was really happening, hid from the collar hoarder and found out from one neighbor that another neighbor is an exhibitionist with nudie pics on Craigslist.

There you have it.

This is why I never exit the front door or talk to anyone other than the 78 year old lady next door (who is not the flasher).

Picture it: I’m trimming the bamboo in the front yard (using yard very loosely). I’m in my pajamas. There’s a lady in her car. She rolls down the window and compliments our drought resistant space. That’s lingo for California’s out of water and you’d best have plants that don’t require much. I barely glance up, following my own rule of: do not engage the neighbors unless they’re over 75 and like to drink red wine on the deck. ‘Thank you! Just trying to do our part with the water rations.’

Next thing I know she’s leaned out the passenger window telling me about the time she and her boyfriend were sitting at their dining room table when they look up and see the guy across the street (and down from me) standing in his picture window, junk hanging out for all the world to see.


Her: are you okay?

Me: EYEBALL EMOJI <pause> What’d you just say?

Her: Repeats the first part and then proceeds to tell me how they, through a course of events starting with the retinal lashing over breakfast, found out this guy has an ad on the internets asking folks to drive by and take a picture. He even requests the photos be sent to him.


That led to me scurrying indoors, dead bolting the locks, and sitting on the couch in a daze mumbling, ‘WTF just happened?’.

File that one under ‘Craziest Shit You Ever Found Out While Cleaning Up Your Yard’. #Don’tLookUp

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  • Reply This Free Bird June 1, 2015 at 6:33 pm

    It’s so interesting that you mention desalination. My dad (in Canada) said, “Can’t anyone down there figure out a way to desalinate the ocean??” – you’d think with all these get rich quick types out here someone must be on that. Anyway, I wouldn’t mind a cool summer followed by a rainy fall/winter. We need it badly and it’s concerning to see thousands of acres of farmland unable to be farmed, forests dying…and neighbors washing their cars in the streets while others cry about overcast mornings. Like, really? You’ve given me hope, Mili! At least on the first part.

  • Reply She Wore It Well May 31, 2015 at 1:17 pm

    you’ll be pleased to know that about 6-7 years ago we were out of water, our dams were at 3% or something and they started building a desalination plant as a knee jerk reactions only for it to rain non stop for the next 6 months. no water issues since!! lol

  • Reply nicole May 29, 2015 at 3:26 pm

    that’s it. move to big sur. i won’t be far behind, i want to move to Carmel. xoxo

    • Reply This Free Bird May 29, 2015 at 5:45 pm

      I’m working on it. I’d do Big Sur or Carmel. We’d be neighbors and go for dinner at that Italian place 3x/week. Let’s do it. #workingandpraying

  • Reply Jen May 29, 2015 at 10:01 am

    my neighbor smokes cigars on his deck every night and that stink drives me crazy…but it seems pretty benign after reading this!! Scones sound amazing, though.

    And who WOULDN’T procrastinate painting the living room!

    • Reply This Free Bird May 29, 2015 at 5:43 pm

      If I could get away from my scone obsession I might be able to locate the paint rollers. All it’ll take is me glancing out the kitchen window and catching a glimpse of that guy and his jewels. Directly after that I will be holed up in the living room painting 10 coats. This place will gleam brighter than 100 teeth whitenings.

  • Reply missgiven May 29, 2015 at 3:30 am

    Hmmm. What to say to that…..I like the drought tolerant lawns.

    • Reply This Free Bird May 29, 2015 at 3:42 am

      I don’t know why this won’t let me comment with the laughing so hard I’m crying emoji, but I’d put a whole row of them if I could!

      So freaking messed up, right?

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