Just a little more

March 6, 2015

I knew I was back in the land of the living (or is that the dead), when I rolled into Taco Bell in San Luis Obispo and the kid behind the counter asked me if I was ready to think outside the bun.

Bun, what bun? Not catching on at first, I gave him a deadpan stare.

‘Are you living más today?’ My senses were on overload. The fluorescent lights, the glaring food board, this kid’s quips hammering away at my now seven days quiet brain. When I didn’t answer he looked confused, ‘Maybe just poquito?,’ he asked. Yeah buddy, two hours ago I was más and now I’m re-entering the world of poquito trying to mentally maintain más. You with me?

That’s what it’s like when I leave Big Sur. It’s more than the standard vacation’s over flatline.

It’s like coming down from a massive trip; a completely disconnected, utterly peaceful yet internally conflicted state of being. You can’t get away from yourself up there. It holds no distractions. Try as you may to lose yourself in the sea or the sky, the trees or that neverending horizon, inevitably all that echoes back is who you are. All your demons come to the surface leaving no choice but to acknowledge and deal with them which, if you’re open, can be a very cleansing albeit sobering thing.

I think you could go mad there, but I guess what I’m saying is I’m willing to find out. Six months away and one week back only reinforced it.

photo 7

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photo 1

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  • Reply Suzanne March 13, 2015 at 12:31 am

    These pics are beautiful!! Looks like a peaceful trip and Well deserved! 🙂

  • Reply Jenn March 8, 2015 at 3:15 am

    Beautiful pictures, Carrie, I feel calmer just looking at them! I’m glad you have a place to go to reset. Sometime I’m going to have to write a really good comment about how much you’ve inspired me. Both before the antibiotic side effects but especially after and even moreso during the relapses. I wish I was a better writer. . .

    • Reply This Free Bird March 11, 2015 at 12:10 am

      Jenn, I’m so happy to hear that. I don’t feel like much of an inspiration and try really hard not to come across as feeling sorry for myself, even in uncertainty. The truth is, recovering from anything is difficult and there are bound to be setbacks. It doesn’t make for the biggest blog following. Not a lot of shiny pictures, DIYs (unless you loosely count learning how to tie your shoes or master a word search again), or other fun things, but it’s an honest representation and that’s all I’m aiming for. It feels good to know it’s helping you. Lord knows I’ve come close to throwing in the towel many times.

  • Reply Marla March 7, 2015 at 2:00 am

    While all the pictures are beautiful, the second one of the trees really is breathtaking. I know what you mean about going mad but willing to find out. Hanalei Town on the north shore of Kauai is that place for me. I’m glad you got to spend this time, don’t get the bends from reentry into the world of Taco Bell!!

    • Reply This Free Bird March 7, 2015 at 7:01 pm

      Oh man, Marla. I get a similar experience on Kauai, but on the other side. My friend’s grandfather grew up on Kauai and they have this rustic, amazing cabin in Waimea Canyon. I think a person could stay there forever and totally disconnect from the mainland. Kauai is magical! So glad you have a place that gives you peace. Also, I rolled at bends!!

  • Reply Jen March 6, 2015 at 10:38 pm

    Has it really been than long since you were last there? I guess when I think of you I just think of you…there. So glad you got to spend some more time in Big Sur. It is indeed a magic place!

    • Reply This Free Bird March 7, 2015 at 6:57 pm

      After I got sick last time I was pretty effed, so no long drives. That said, from your mouth to God’s ears, sister!

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