On faith and crisis

September 29, 2015

I haven’t been writing here too often because I’ve been trying to get some things figured out.

Specifically, faith.

Faith is a tough thing for me. My problem is not with God, my problem is with the distance I feel from God. Like, am I doing this wrong?

When I first became a Christian I never thought I’d be in this position, but a few churches and a bad relationship left me feeling like the survivor of a bomb blast: shaken, bewildered and alone. God, are you there? I knew He was because things miraculously came together and I was able to take a year off, something I needed very badly.

After that year I got back to work, solidified my business and kept going, but after awhile noticed I felt jittery in church, exhausted even. I realized I was working very hard to ‘follow the rules’. It scared me to think of what God might do to me, if I stopped going. I stopped anyway. A year later I stopped attending a Bible study I’d been a part of for more than a decade when it donned on me that I was dragging myself there every Monday night. My faith had stopped coming from my heart because my heart wasn’t working anymore. I was burned out.


A month ago a friend texted to say she was quitting her job to go to Bible college eight hours away. I was stunned. But she doesn’t even go to church, I thought. We went for dinner and she told me she was leaving it all behind: a thriving hair business, cool apartment, friends and family. I found myself excited for her, envious even. All she took was two suitcases of clothing. She had no set plan, other than knowing this was something God wanted her to do so it would all work out.

We talked about how she’d come to her decision and I felt, for the first time in years, like a little spark was lit in me. She talked about real things, real conversations with God, real trust, no rules, no hypocrisy, just pure faith. We cried a little at the table, I cried a lot on the way home. Man if only I could get some of that back in my life, I thought. Nothing is worse than feeling defeated, like God has left you in the dust.


Since that dinner I’ve been having simple, pointed conversations with God every day:

God, please help me to see you working in my life. Please give me direction. Reminder God (even though I know you don’t need it), I’ve had two strokes in three years. I have not worked in over a year and need money. Yes I know money is the root of all evil or something, but I have bills. I need to feel productive. Everyday is Groundhog Day over here, so please open the right doors. Help me to see the value in things I may otherwise overlook. Please help me to find the good in each day and not waste the time you’ve given me. God, please help me to know you are near and that you haven’t forgotten me. Please don’t kill me for asking that because at church they would say it means I have a lack of faith, but I need extra help right now. The last three years have been hell. God, thank you for helping me to be grateful for the things I do have.


One day I was looking something up on Google and came across a Youtube video. Normally I would gloss right by, but decided to listen. It ended up being a really good decision and spoke to a lot of the things I’ve been going through, thinking and saying out loud. It was definitely a moment for me.

I don’t normally talk about things like this on here, but if you’re in a tough spot or crisis of faith sometimes it helps to know other people are experiencing the same. I’ll write more about the cool things that have happened since I’ve started my daily question/answer period, but here’s the video for now. Put in your earphones and blast this sucker. I swear it helps. God has not forgotten you.

[youtube id=”5rMNIDW8Vho” width=”600″ height=”350″]


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  • Reply missgiven November 2, 2015 at 3:10 am

    Matthew 7:7 and Luke 11:9 – keep on seeking…..
    Matthew 6:9&10 – you must pray then this way….

  • Reply Bee October 23, 2015 at 12:26 pm

    Your the best!

  • Reply Jen October 4, 2015 at 8:27 pm

    I want to comment on this post, but I’m just not sure how to put it all together. So I’ll just say thank you! I look forward to the follow up as well! xo

    • Reply This Free Bird October 25, 2015 at 10:21 pm

      Just posted! Sorry it’s late. This is a tough one to put into words because it’s so personal and different for each person. What I wrote is purely from my perspective 🙂

  • Reply She Wore It Well October 3, 2015 at 10:02 am

    It’s so easy to find ways to feel that God isn’t listening, but he reminds us in the smallest ways. It’s especially hard with a toddler to chase more than ever but when I do find time to go to church and pray I feel grounded and happy again x

  • Reply This Free Bird October 2, 2015 at 8:08 pm

    Guys, my car’s on the fritz, the oven up and died, I got my haircut and one side was longer than the other so I had to go back and get it fixed. What I’m saying is the follow-up post is coming! It’s almost done and I’ll either post on the weekend or early next week. Thank you so much for all the honest and open comments. So transparent and encouraging! – C

  • Reply Faiza October 1, 2015 at 11:44 am

    Hey C!
    My uncle who recently lost his wife in their 50th year of marriage sent this out to our family today and I thought of you. He has been really honest with me about how his faith has been shaken since my aunt passed and about how going to the mosque for early morning meditation or evening prayers Has been a be a source of pain and confusion instead of comfort. I so admire his honesty and yours. I think these words brought him some comfort https://www.homeschool-life.com/478/custom/14359

    • Reply This Free Bird October 2, 2015 at 8:05 pm

      Faiza I completely understand where your uncle is coming from. I think when life burns you in such a blinding way, it makes it very difficult go to the things that represent security. Speaking from experience I sometimes still get physically ill trying to go to church. It’s not the church itself, I know that. I think that’s what got me here, just really and truly seeking this closeness with God one-on-one. It’s slowly happening for me as I make it a habit to cultivate that relationship with Him. Maybe someday I won’t have this stinging burn from the rest of it. Maybe. I’m going to read what you sent. Thank you for thinking of me and thank you to your uncle for being so transparent in his struggle. It helps so much!!

  • Reply Nadia October 1, 2015 at 5:56 am

    I was brought up Catholic, although both of my parents weren’t exactly practicing Catholics (unless you count them going to church for just Easter Sunday & Christmaseve 😉
    Anyways, when my Dad passed away, my mom swore off any little faith she had in a God. If there was a God, then how could he allow her to be widowed, at 33 years old, with three young children? I’ve never been religious by any means, but to hear my mom speak like this – it made me sad. I guess I’ve always been one to encourage some sort of faith, even if I wasn’t doing so myself.
    Sometime in between then and now I started to notice my mom becoming more like herself. It was more than a streak of being positive, it was her genuine faith in life, period. When I asked her about this incredible change, she confided in me that she had started to pray. She said she didn’t know exactly who she was praying to – maybe God or the Universe, but she was praying. And over time, she noticed someone was listening. And she was finally starting to feel like she could breathe again.
    I still don’t know where I stand personally, but goodness does it make me happy to see what faith has done to the woman I love most. I hope it’s the same for you. xo

    • Reply This Free Bird October 2, 2015 at 7:59 pm

      Nadia, thank you so much for sharing this. What a tough blow your mom (and family!) was dealt. I’m so glad your mom is making her way back to her faith in a way that works for her. This was so encouraging to me. God (or however you prefer to refer to it) doesn’t just possess patience, He IS patience. I am learning that He never gives up on us, no matter what. Thank you again.

  • Reply Faiza September 30, 2015 at 12:57 pm

    I so appreciate your honesty in this post. Faith and one’s concept of God is so personal and I feel you on that faith muscle. Flex it when you can.

    • Reply This Free Bird October 2, 2015 at 7:50 pm

      Thanks Faiza! I agree that faith is an intensely personal experience and is something each of us deals with in our own way and time 🙂

  • Reply Theo September 30, 2015 at 3:31 am

    Life has been difficult. I remember the Gap days. Can I be angry and have faith with God at both days. Why my dad? It’s supposed to be easier in life, but maybe I have lost the concept of faith. Is this the same thing a being “lucky” or is it faith?

    • Reply This Free Bird October 2, 2015 at 7:49 pm

      I think you can be angry at God and still have faith. I think it’s because you DO have faith that you are angry. Like where are you already?? I completely understand that. I’ll email you more. You and I went through a lot together in those GAP days Theo. We’re lucky we survived without a walkie embedded in our heads. Thinking about you.

  • Reply Erika ~ Tiptoe Butterfly~ September 29, 2015 at 12:05 pm

    as u know life hasn’t been up to par for me either – if u would of told me my life would be *insert everything it is today* i would of said ‘get outta’ here, no way in hell’ .. i’ve had some serious medical issues about 15 years ago and i got so mad at ‘God’ for not helping me when i really needed it that i disowned him; but when i let him back in he was a blessing; when i would go to church (actually still happens to this day) i have an overwhelming feeling of Him and i ball; like a sobbing mess kinda’ ball .. it crossed my mind what other people must think of me; but i sit in the back corner so this way i don’t disrupt …. ANYWAY for the past 3-4 years i kinda’ feel let down again; but at the same time; this go around i’m keeping in touch with Him and expressing gratitude for all the amazing things i do have and how lucky i really am .. still wondering when he’s gonna kick into high gear and help me out a bit … but i feel He’s listening … soul searching is exhausting!

    • Reply This Free Bird September 29, 2015 at 5:31 pm

      Soul searching IS exhausting. I mean, even if we don’t know the exact path we should be on it’s at least so comforting to know we’re not on it alone. I’m so glad you go to church and bawl! Church should be a safe haven where you can go to do that, no matter what anyone thinks (and they shouldn’t be thinking anything anyway don’t get me started). Thanks for sharing, E. I know you’ve been through it and are going through more. It’s good to know we’re out here figuring things out and building our faith muscles!

  • Reply Allison September 29, 2015 at 12:00 pm

    I think you know I’m with ya on this one! Who knew a decade ago this is where we’d be! Faith is a real hard thing!

    • Reply This Free Bird September 29, 2015 at 5:28 pm

      I try not to think about that too much or I’ll lose my marbles. I mean who can predict a life, right? Faith is a hard thing. But should it be this hard? Am I making it harder than it is? I think if I just focused on staying plugged into the Source (God/Jesus) maybe it wouldn’t seem like such an uphill battle. I’m slowly becoming convinced of it. Allison, I’m so glad we can talk about this stuff. I appreciate you, girl!

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