Well, it’s officially a new year. All I’ve done so far is ride my bike, earth, and look for cats; all goals met and exceeded. This morning I polished off my last pastry until I cave in two days and eat another.
Now what?
That thought chased me throughout the holiday season. It’s all fun, games and Claymation until everyone goes back to work, but I don’t have a work to go back to. Hmmmmm. It finally caught me a couple mornings ago at the beach when Chris and I were standing in the ocean debating the finer points of earthing (which we’re definitely not experts at so it was actually ridiculous).
-Do you think this has a greater effect on the body if you concentrate on the earth while you do it?
-Do you feel any different? NO SERIOUSLY, do you??
-I think my legs are vibrating.
-I wonder if it’s more effective to earth up north where the coastline is untouched? (hint, hint)
-WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE?
I squashed that last one down deep and didn’t say it out loud. I’m at the beach, it’s 75 freaking degrees in January and I still can’t stop feeling uneasy about having no direction. What is wrong with this picture??
The one thing I’ve battled my entire life is the fear of not enough. Not having enough, working enough, being enough. It’s painful to admit. When I look back, I can honestly say it’s plagued me. It’s a part of the reason why I’m a workaholic. It’s dictated a lot of the moves I’ve made professionally, even when those moves were staying in a place longer than I should have. Interestingly, the times I took a major leap based on gut instinct or was put in a position where the decision was made for me resulted in some of the most fulfilling experiences.
I want to learn to live more freely and bravely; not from external pressure, real or imagined, but from my own authentic self at its core. That’s scary to say out loud. What if I have to live with less than I’m accustomed to? Then again, what if I don’t?
Fear-based living has just got to go. *fastens Depends*
If the only way to overcome fear is to go into the dark places and face it head-on, then I’ve been here before and glossed over it, only to have it resurface and grab me by the ankles. So this time I’m choosing to look at uncertainty as the door to opportunity, instead of some sort of punishment. Until whatever it is I’m supposed to do becomes clear, I think I’m going to start baking a couple times a week at Chris’s restaurant. He wants the desserts to be better and baking is therapeutic for me, so it’s a win-win. Until he tries to boss me – then we’re on to a whole new set of issues.
Here’s to whooping some ass in 2015. Digging deep, doing the hard work and coming out a better person for it. Freedom from the performance trap, arrive-fucking-derci.
11 Comments
Marla – I really needed this today. Thank you for speaking up. I’m glad you didn’t give up on me and I hope you’re doing better, finding your way back onto the rails or maybe onto a path of your own. Girl, I’ll keep updating that cat tumblr, too. Cat ladies unite!! I’m going back to read those two posts you mentioned. xo
Long time reader here…and then you disappeared. My own life went off the rails in late 2011 and when you stopped posting I was sad (I mean wth how many losses can one take) and kept hoping you’d return and I think in all the muck I just forgot to keep checking. To be honest, I forgot about a lot of things for awhile. Earlier this week I was cleaning out my feed and thought oh, yeah! and went investigating, not really thinking I’d find anything. Instead, I was excited to find you and I’ve spent the past three days reading all your posts up to date. I’ve cried, I’ve laughed, I’ve sighed, I’ve cheered and I’ve made notes (6/18/14 – profound! 8/14/14 more!). Eeee and a cat tumblr too!! A belated welcome back, thank you for sharing your story and I will never, ever get behind again.
Baking?!? I’m so proud of you. Big fat huge hugs and jumps in the air proud. Fist pump and all. Xoxo
Just a couple times a week, helps me feel like I’m doing something productive/contributing. Hoping not to eat everything. haha! Thanks, D 🙂
Oh boy does this sound like the shit I only say to myself.
Which is why I’m totally amazed to hear someone else say it, and stare it in the face so bravely.
It’s a horrible thing we do to ourselves. WHY??
this is great! I owned 2 stores and my husband did the accounting…it was great having him in it with me but I was also super glad when we didn’t work together any more. I’ll be interested in your take on that part of your experience. The folks at the restaurant are gonna be spoiled by all the great new desserts! I love baking, too – I totally know what you mean about it being therapeutic! Enjoy this new step and congrats on going for it!
It’s honestly not a huge deal. Gets me out of the house a couple times a week to work on something that is fun for me…until Chris and I cross hairs. HAHAHA!
Performance trap. You nailed it, sista.
There’s actually a book with a similar title (minus the effing-derci) by David Seamands. I guess I should have re-read it multiple times 🙁