Life is But a Dream

February 4, 2014

I’ve spent a lot of time this past year learning about the power of the mind, and purging so many unhealthy things from my life. Things that should have been gone a long time ago. I don’t want to leave any stone unturned, any issue not dealt with. I know there are lots of reasons why I had a stroke, but I am fascinated and grateful when my mind reminds me of just how far I’ve come and that I still have a way to go.  I wrote this when I woke up on Monday morning after the Super Bowl (not on an acid trip, I swear):

Last night I had a dream that I was pedaling on my bike. I pedaled a long way through wheat fields and the desert, across a wide open sky at dusk. Then I was going through thick, tall green grass – I mean the widest, dark green blades of grass – against an almost gray sky heading towards a huge hill and everything turned to black and white. As I was focusing on how much it was going to take to make it up that incline, I stood up on my bike and leaned forward. Suddenly I heard a familiar voice behind me: ‘There’s Carrie on her bike! Hey Carrie, where are you going?!’ I glanced over my shoulder to see my-ex boyfriend of nearly 10 years through a kitchen window washing dishes with his wife (who can’t stand me). Thinking, ‘Don’t they live in Arizona? Does Arizona have grass? Why are they living at the base of a mountain? Is he allowed to talk to me again?’, I hollered back, ‘Yep, on my way to see Aunt ——‘, as they watched me whiz by.

I scaled the hill higher, higher, higher wondering how I was moving so fast. Shouldn’t my legs hurt? I looked back once to see it really was a mountain. There were stairs built into it going all the way down its steep incline. I got scared at how high up I was, so returned my focus to getting to the top and then I was at the front door of the house. I knocked and no one answered, so I let myself in. It was warm and light and bright and I was calling for this aunt who didn’t seem to be home. I made my way through the house and found a cousin sleeping in his bed. Had never seen the guy before in my life, but asked if he wanted to ride back down the mountain with me. We headed outside and then he was gone.

I stood on their wide deck looking down at all those stairs. How was I going to pedal my bike all the way down the mountain? At the base of the stairs was a narrow wooden dock, like a path, that spanned across a huge body of water connecting to the mainland. I’m scared of water. How was I going to ride across without falling in? I started down the tight staircase walking my bike, step-by-step, next to me. I made it three steps before realizing I couldn’t see the next ones below me. Nervous I’d fall and bust myself, I stopped and sat down. It was too steep. I was too scared to move.

As I was sitting there on the stairs with my bike somehow standing next to me, I heard the aunt (who was really my friend Fran) call out from behind me, ‘Great view! Are you guys going down for lunch?’ The next thing I knew I was back at it on those treacherous stairs making my way, and then I was at the bottom! The way across the water was SO LONG AND FAR and I was desperately afraid of tipping off my bike into the water, so I walked it across all the wooden slats – farther than the eye could see – until I got to the end of the dock and there she was! The aunt was ahead of me going into a fish shop for lunch. She had the blondest hair and brightest skin. ‘Beautiful, huh? You made it!’, she called from an open window in the tiny restaurant onshore, waving for me to join her. I started walking toward her, relieved to be back on dry land in a parking lot with big trees and lots of spaces to park my bike. What cool awning. I love the colored chalk. Is that steel siding on the building?

And then it ended.

I’m sure there’s a lesson to be learned here, likely more than one or even two, so I’m going to sit and think it over for awhile.

Also, I ate a LOT of cheese dip, some crispy jalapenos stuffed with cheese and bacon, a piece of Texas toast and a big bowl of wonton soup while watching the Super Bowl yesterday, so there’s always that to take into consideration.

image via pinterest

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  • Reply Stacey February 19, 2014 at 2:20 pm

    Love the new site design too btw.

    • Reply This Free Bird February 19, 2014 at 10:48 pm

      And thanks! I hope it’s easy enough to navigate.

  • Reply Stacey February 19, 2014 at 2:15 pm

    A stroke!? I didn’t know you had a stroke and I feel like a bad friend because I should’ve known:-(. Purging is so therapeutic. I come from a culture where dreams and what they mean are a big deal. I usually call my Mom to translate my dreams for me especially when they leave such an impression after I’ve woken up. Love and light to you beautiful.

    • Reply This Free Bird February 19, 2014 at 10:47 pm

      Thanks Stacey and please, no worries. There’s no way you could have known because I kept it very quiet. I wonder what your mom would say about this one? I got so much out of it and am still thinking about it two weeks later. Very revealing.

  • Reply Jenn February 18, 2014 at 5:00 am

    I wish I had more meaningful dreams. Mine are incredibly lucid but really removed from my life. Like, I’m the leader of a revolutionary organization overthrowing the US government. Or, we moved to the remote wilderness because there weren’t as many strict alien missionaries patrolling the area. I suppose I could make tenuous connections but they’re just so bizarre and far-reaching. The good news is there’s usually a beginning, middle, and end and a plot so it’s like going to the movies while I sleep.

    Your dream sounds beautiful.

    • Reply This Free Bird February 19, 2014 at 10:45 pm

      Hey, a quick screening of an X-Files related movie in your dreams doesn’t sound too shabby to me.

  • Reply ms givens February 8, 2014 at 4:32 pm

    I feel my dreams stem from things I thought of or went through recently.
    I love how you remembered it went from color to black and white.

    • Reply This Free Bird February 8, 2014 at 8:16 pm

      That’s cool you can recognize that about your dreams. This one of mine covers the past 5 or 6 years to present and, I think, projects some stuff about me going forward. I’ve contemplated it so much this week!

  • Reply Elena February 6, 2014 at 6:15 am

    This was so great! And I’m so glad I came across it. I hope you’re doing well and have missed you on the social media front as I can’t blame you for taking a break from it a bit. Though I’m so glad you posted this and hope you continue to share your thoughts! Sending you lots of positive thoughts and love your way! Xo

    • Reply This Free Bird February 6, 2014 at 5:56 pm

      Hey, Elena! Thanks for the well wishes and for checking in.

  • Reply Jen February 5, 2014 at 12:27 am

    Wow, what a vivid dream and good for you for writing it all down before the details become fuzzy. This dream is a GOOD one!! All positive stuff in there, lots of power, lots of overcoming adversity. Lots of beauty, too! Amazing! How did you feel when you woke? Energized? Emotional? Happy? Reassured? Forgiven? Released? Excited? Empowered? That might be your best clue about the nature of the dream. I hope you are having a great week getting back into the writing!

    • Reply This Free Bird February 5, 2014 at 3:18 am

      I woke up feeling kind of bewildered. The more I recalled as I was waking up, the more I realized how meaningful the dream was. Then I got up and wrote it down. The night before I was watching Wayne Dyer talk about how changing your way of thinking can alter your life. To be honest, there are so many meaningful things in that dream. I’m still thinking about it and seeing the correlations. For the most part, good.

  • Reply Loraine February 4, 2014 at 11:56 pm

    Very vivid dream! You made it down the mountain which tells me you have the will to make it and overcome this horrible thing that has happened to you.

    In 2008, I was diagnosed with a very rare syndrome. Every day is very challenging. I can very much relate to your image (pin).

    I wish you ALL the best, Carrie. Thank you for sharing.

    • Reply This Free Bird February 5, 2014 at 12:23 am

      Loraine – that pin is a good one, huh? I cried a little when I saw it last night.

      I’m doing my best with this thing and think I might be at the top of the mountain looking down, maybe on the steps. It’s a relief to be here. I’m wishing you every good thing and all the best days of health ahead.

  • Reply Milijana February 4, 2014 at 11:04 pm

    I’ve missed your writing so so much. Here’s to every day being better than the last.

    M xx

    • Reply This Free Bird February 5, 2014 at 12:20 am

      Thanks Mili! I owe you an email this week and think about you lots. xo

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