Is there a 5th gate for sanity?

October 14, 2014

Last week I started acupuncture as part of my recovery. A couple of aggressive treatments later, I woke up on Friday with my right hand and foot feeling prickly. Bugger. Having had a few days of pretty normal sensation it was disappointing to be back at square one (or wherever it was). With all the emotions that got stirred up on Thursday, maybe I shouldn’t have been surprised – but I was.

After laying in bed feeling kind of panicky, I decided to try and walk to the beach for some earthing. (I started earthing last fall and am not an expert, so feel free to look it up here if you’re interested in learning more.) I’m not sure what I was thinking seeing as my trip through the aisles of Target left me in bed for a few days afterward, but I just wanted to try something to get the circulation moving again on my right side. Why I didn’t go back for more acupuncture, who only knows.

Well, I made it to the beach all right. I was winded and wanted to lay down in the sand after those two blocks, but I made it. I stood in the water for about 15 minutes and we even stopped for breakfast on the way back – probably because Chris noticed there was no way in hell I was going to be able to make it home at that moment.  By the time we did make it back, however, I could barely get up the stairs. I caught myself having to really haul myself up by the railing at the halfway point, and once up top actually sat down in a sweaty heap. It scared the hell out of me. Who can’t walk up the stairs after walking two simple blocks?

Me, that’s who.

I sat outside with Benjamin Franklin for about half an hour, just catching my breath. It was exhilarating to have walked those blocks! Despite being tired I had a pretty good adrenaline rush going and couldn’t wait to get inside to write something positive here, especially after the sad stuff I wrote on Thursday.

Unfortunately that was the end of that idea. By the time I went in the house, the couch was all I could handle. Cut to scene and there I was in the streets at 10pm trying to coerce B. Franklin inside. Everything before and after that is pretty much a blur. To say I pushed myself too hard is an understatement, even though I barely freaking did ANYTHING but walk to and from the beach.

What in the actual hell.

I vaguely recall calling Chris to say I was going down like a box of rocks. Next thing I knew I woke up at 11 on Saturday morning with Franklin laying next to me on the pillow. Bless his little heart because up until now he’s mostly enjoyed making me dig him out from under parked cars in front of the house, in my pajamas in the dark, as people walk by with their dogs and question my sanity. Ever try to heave yourself up off the ground with a bum arm and leg? Not advisable, especially not with a live audience.

Anyway, I’ve been in bed ever since and don’t think I’ll be trying that again any time soon. Except maybe tomorrow because I can’t seem to learn my lesson. Nope, just kidding.

Today I went back to acupuncture to get those four gates opened again, noticed a plant that looked like a dong in her otherwise amazing front yard and laughed my head off like a 12 year old boy.  That’ll be the extent of my exertion for today, thanks. Until 9pm when Frank decides he needs to find another rat for his growing stash. God, give me strength.

See, I wasn’t kidding:

afterlight 17

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  • Reply This Free Bird October 21, 2014 at 5:36 am

    It’s a friggin’ bummer and I’m just doing my best to stay ahead of it. Thanks for your kind words, it means a lot to me. xo

  • Reply She Wore It Well Blog October 20, 2014 at 10:25 am

    My heart breaks reading this 🙁 sending you all my strength and love x

  • Reply Katie October 17, 2014 at 8:43 pm

    The body has an amazing way of quite literally kicking your own ass as a reminder sometimes. It’s a reminder I detest but alas, not much you can do. Keep on keeping on and hang in there. Thinking of you often.

    • Reply This Free Bird October 21, 2014 at 5:35 am

      Frustrating as it can be, the body is a very good compass. I’m doing my best to listen to it and push it only as much as it will tolerate. It’s a job in and of itself. I know you know what I mean. xo

  • Reply lena October 15, 2014 at 10:55 pm

    The off color joke about the dong-plant is, to me, a sure sign that your fighting spirit is completely intact.

    • Reply This Free Bird October 21, 2014 at 5:32 am

      When I saw it and chuckled, I knew I was still alive in there. You know?

  • Reply Jenn October 14, 2014 at 6:28 pm

    It’s not even fair to compare what you’re going through with what I have but I’ve found I have to meditate each morning on being the best I can be THAT day because otherwise I get frustrated and/or push too hard which often leads to a relapse. It’s hard to find that balance between pushing the limits (and getting back to a more “normal” place) and honoring your body (and healing). I wish you lots of love and healing vibes from way up here!

    • Reply This Free Bird October 21, 2014 at 5:31 am

      It IS a hard balance and I appreciate the love and healing vibes. Keep ’em coming plz!!

  • Reply Jen Panetta October 14, 2014 at 4:18 pm

    Keep going for it. As long as you aren’t actually doing yourself any harm or prolonging your recovery, I think it is great to keep reaching. And I’m sure it is hard to know where the limits are until you bump right into them, so don’t be too hard on yourself!

    • Reply This Free Bird October 21, 2014 at 5:28 am

      I never had a lot of limits before and can’t really remember the limits from last time, so it’s just kind of frustrating. Ugh.

  • Reply Marcela October 14, 2014 at 8:32 am

    Carrieeeee, it breaks my heart to read those lines! I had no idea you are not doing so well. I was thinking about you a lot lately as I am planning a trip to California in May next year and I definitely want to see you again. I hope we can make it! So stay brave, girl, you have so much energy and will inside you I am sure you will do better very soon!

    Sending a lot of love from Germany!


    • Reply This Free Bird October 21, 2014 at 5:27 am

      I would love to see you in May. I’M RESTING UP NOW FOR SURE!!!

  • Reply Lori October 14, 2014 at 1:32 am

    So they grow wild on the west coast??!! I know I am talking to a wall when I say this but stop pushing yourself so hard. I know you want to get back into fighting shape but good Lord girl ~ you cannot get up off the coach and run a marathon. Have you every thought of baby steps? I am here with my pom poms cheering you on whether you want to be the tortoise or the hare. Hugs and Love coming your way xoxo

    • Reply This Free Bird October 14, 2014 at 1:40 am

      Patience is a virtue that skipped over me. Been thinking about this all day. Wah

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