It’s like it was waiting for me

August 21, 2014

Chris and I were looking for a parking spot at the farmer’s market when I saw this rad van. We got out just across from it and he snapped a picture of me. When we walked away I said, “It’s like it was waiting for me.”

Yesterday I was feeling a little discouraged. After last week’s stellar sales on eBay things had hit a lull. I feel like I’m so close to the end of shedding old things and just want it to be over. Is it gone yet?

Isn’t that the way it is though?

We want something, don’t immediately get it and feel like giving up.

This thought came to me as I was getting ready for bed last night. On a whim around 7 o’clock I decided to go back in the closet for a final sweep to see if anything else could go. I’m not sure if  it was the pile of laundry waiting to be put away or the heavy feeling of still too much, but suddenly I saw that space with a set of fresh eyes and ended up with a new pile of stuff to sell. Good things, hard to get rid of things that made me uncomfortable, queasy frankly, even though I know it’s the right thing to do.

And then when I came out of the closet, several of the items that had been sitting on eBay sold.

It was a telling moment.

It’s all about timing.

I feel like I’m being stripped of a lot of things that used to define me. Underneath I can feel my old self, my true self, emerging again. I want it to be now. But maybe the stripping isn’t done yet; maybe the real work, the most painful, is yet to come. Hopefully when enough of the old is gone, there will be room for the new. I’m just trying to do my part in clearing out what needs to be eliminated, even if I’m not entirely sure what that is yet.

I’m finding a lot of lessons in the little things these days. I’m grateful for eyes that see and the patience that’s being formed in me to withstand and participate in my own process. There is growth here.

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  • Reply missgiven September 12, 2014 at 7:59 pm

    Just to clarify. I meant looking at the stars, like being outdoors.
    It seems we want more than we need. I know I do but the less I have the less I have to take care of and the more time to focus on whats important.

  • Reply missgiven September 12, 2014 at 7:49 pm

    When we were staying in our house before all our stuff arrived I felt so at peace with the world. I could focus on the stars, reading, good eating, walking, getting to know new friends, etc. I kept telling Joe just leave all that stuff there. There is something to be said about freeing yourself from things weighing us down.
    Keep on persevering in prayer. I prayed for years for patience and then one day while discussing 1 Corinthians 13 it occurred to me that I was much more patient than I used to be. That made me very happy.
    This is what I thought of when I read your post.

  • Reply Lyddiegal August 22, 2014 at 9:59 pm

    Hey! I didn’t even realize you were back to blogging! I never saw your posts in my reader and just happened to notice your instagram today. As always, good to see you.

    I feel like too much of my life is over run by stuff. But I can’t even keep up. No matter how much I take out, I bring more in. Stuff becomes so much a part of me, that it defines me. New Stuff, Better Stuff. More Refined Stuff.

    There you are looking laid back and cool, and I just think, I wish I could feel like that. I need a white skirt, I need a denim vest… then and only then can I relax.

    • Reply This Free Bird August 23, 2014 at 4:25 pm

      Hi Lyddie! I wasn’t sure if I’d come back, but mostly steering away from official outfit posts unless I just happen to have something in particular I’ve found that I love.

      Before I got sick I started to revamp my site with a web designer. As I went through posts there was the vicious cycle of buying, having too much, purging, whining about purging and then right back to buying again. It was jarring to see myself mindlessly consuming yet underneath clearly knowing I had too much. After the stroke it was like my senses were heightened. Everything was on blast. I couldn’t watch trash tv, I couldn’t take in negative thoughts, hear negative conversation, read about death, etc. Along with that came this overwhelming awareness of my bursting closets. It really, really bothered me so as soon as I was able to get around again I began selling on eBay. It took me days to begin to part with just one or two things and that made me sick. My attachment to things was unhealthy. I forced myself and, for the sake of transparency and to make my point, have sold about $5000 worth of merchandise on eBay in the past 18 months. That doesn’t even include the bags to Goodwill or the runs to the local consignment place to get rid of straggling pieces. I’ve not replaced much either, and don’t have a great desire to. Even if you are kidding, and I think you are at least a little, I hope you can release some of your things and not even replace them. I love the stuff I have kept and wear it a lot, much more than before. I also feel so much freedom in my spirit. It is AWESOME!! Thanks for peeling by!!

  • Reply Courtney August 22, 2014 at 12:15 pm

    This connects with a lot of stuff that I’ve been going through lately. I’m trying to make a concerted effort to move on from where I was in my life 3 years ago and reset my priorities but also my emotional responses to a lot of things. I feel almost like I’m burning away a part of myself…and it’s unsettling sometimes but I know the end result will be worth it.

    Courtney ~ Sartorial Sidelines

    • Reply This Free Bird August 23, 2014 at 6:10 pm

      I totally get where you’re at. In a way (for me) it’s been like getting out of a rut. It’s surprising how exhausting it is, but that lighthearted feeling once the work is in process is unbeatable! I know I keep saying it, but I really need to email you. It sounds like we’re in similar spots in some ways. Thanks for always stopping by here. I really love your insightful comments.

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